new bginnings

Ike is here. He's perfect, hilarious. This kid licks like no other. Don't give him kisses unless you want slobber on your face. He's so fab-o.

When Abe was 4 weeks I started to get really emotionally drained due to lack of sleep. I promised myself that this time I would not freak out like I did with Abe. Well, we're 6 weeks in and the short nights of sleep are starting to wear. DO NOT get me wrong, I am terribly thankful for him sleeping 7-9 hour stretches, usually starting at 7 pm-ish. But the getting up at 2:30 and staying up til 4 getting him back down is rough. Mark gets up for a run at 5, so I am barely back to sleep myself before my sleep is disturbed again. Coffee is good, but surely I'll end up with an ulcer at this rate.

I need to vent a little bit, so I stick with my plan not to freak out. (When I say "freak out," I mean that I don't want to tinker with Ike's sleep so he sleeps longer at night. I really want nature to do its thing.) Isaiah is 6 weeks and we are still getting to know each other. Right? More time, we just need more time. Good news: we have time, we have the rest of his life. The thing I was most afraid of when he was born that I was taking these moments for granted. So while we have the rest of his life, now is just now and it will pass too quickly. Breathe, Amanda, breathe!

party

When Abe was on his way, we planned 4 different showers. Different groups of friends who really don't know each other wanted to throw showers -- my mom, my good friends, my coworkers and Mark's coworkers. I have one friend who was invited to three, talk about a burden. She would never say so, and she just so happens to be in just about all the same circles as me, but still...

So I don't know exactly how to feel about another good friend wanting to throw something for Ike. Not only am I am having another little boy, but what do I really need? I should just feel grateful. Period. So friends out there who've been to Sandor showers in the past, please don't feel obligated to *buy* us anything, your friendship is all that we need! For that I am certainly unconditionally grateful.

Now, I have heard it said that a second baby shower could be used as an opportunity to have a diaper shower. Okay, now I can rock that. Our cloth diaper supply could use some buffing up. While it's been amazing to save so much money, and there is so much peace of mind knowing I am not filling a landfill, cloth wears out. I have very sturdy wraps, but my prefolds (the cotton you place inside the wrap) are wearing out. I am having to do a load of diaps every other day to keep up just with Abe. And it'd be really nice to have a few more newborn-size wraps and to work on solving night-diapering. For night-diapering, I'd love to try some wool. Abe and I may take a trip down to Terra Tots today and set up a registry.

At the end of the day, though, it's incredible how God provides. Be it cloth diapers or just the reassurance that I have friends who want to celebrate this new life with us. I think I can toast to that.

what do we really need?

Preparing for baby number two is a lot less pressing than number one. You don't have to educate yourself about the things you'll "need." There are some basics I know we want, like another crib. We could just improvise with the things we have here -- a pac-n-play, etc. But I definitely want another crib. I feel like a crib is the safest route given the boys' ages. We have a double stoller that a friend gave us. We have an infant car seat. What else do I need? Just some bedding and to beef up a bit of our diaper supply, I think. Clothes are pretty easy, though I am sure we'll need some stuff. Pacis? What else?

compost

Last year, when we first moved into our house, I had grandiose dreams of a beautiful vegetable garden that would be flourishing by springtime. Then I got to know my yard a bit better, and thought it prudent to give it at least a year -- let the Fall, Winter, Spring and following Summer teach me a little bit about the topography and where it might be best to plant.

In the mean time, I decided to start composting. I tried vermicomposting. I thought I could do it cheap. I was wrong. We had a mad crazy fly infestation. ...So I started a traditional compost heap. I could not for the life of me find anything to raise it up on, and I didn't have enough money to do one of the fancy schmancy barrels.

The yard (with it's 5 shade trees and the remnants of the horrible ice storm that his NWA in the winter of 2008), had tons and tons of twigs. By fall I had raked and moved all the leaves from the front yard to the compost heap. I figured with all that brown matter, we could just dump our food scraps (I've tried to stick to veggies only until I really get it working) on top, flip it from time to time, and we'd have ourselves a working compost pile. I was half right.

The leaves, when dry, are a HAVEN for ants. Thankfully, we only have harmless-to-humans black dudes. So the past few weeks, as I've taken our scraps out, I've found that there are SO MANY ants. And when I opened the shed the other day, roaches (I know, creep me out!) scurried. I got really worried. I talked to my midwife (who is a jack of all trades, ha), and she said to dump some dirt on top.

The dirt helped, but it definitely wasn't enough.

I've gotten so frustrated with the twigs. There are SO many, and if you'd step on the heap, you'd feel them crack underneath you. They're hard to rake and flip. Just annoying. But the ants and roaches motivated me to give them and the whole heap a good flip. This is where the good news comes in.

As I moved the compost, there was no "food" (with the exception of egg shells and onions), so it's definitely composting. The twigs actually make a BLACK (totally healthy) dirt. It is beautiful. And there were hundreds of worms, another great sign of a good compost pile. Some of the worms were longer than a foot and about 2 inches in diameter. Gorgeous!

Half of the heap is leaves, so I turned them, tried to get the dry leaves underneath the wet ones. And I formed a bit of a rectangle essentially with three walls -- two are primarily the twig matter and the other is where I pulled all the leaves to the center. So my plan now is to keep dumping scraps on top of the leaves and covering it up with twig and then more leaves. We'll see how it goes!

It will definitely be at least another year before I am comfortable trying a garden. I really want to plan it well and I don't want to have to put too much money into it. Some people spend thousands just to get a healthy start. My hope is that this compost really works well and can be a huge portion of the healthy dirt we need to get the start we want.

grains

I am no health guru. I love Chic Fil A. I love sweet tea. I love coffee. I will eat Wendys on demand. None of which are healthy eating habits. Especially during pregnancy when all of your sensitivities are heightened, it's so important to have good habits.

One thing that I read recently (within the last year anyway) is that one thing women (stay-at-home moms in particular) are deprived of are mentors that can help steer us, whether to stay on course or into new habits. Some people don't need a mentor. They see a good choice, they make that good choice and they have no problem not looking back, longing. Me and food are not that way. I recognize that there are healthier ways to live, I just have a slight longing for sweet tea and waffle fries. Call me crazy.

But, timely as it is, it's not really good for me, nor is it healthful for Ike's development. So seek some manifestation of a mentor do I. I stumbled upon a blog recently that is truly helpful -- Passionate Homemaking. My midwife mentioned weeks ago that spelt flour is better than wheat. Meh, "better" isn't fair. Variety in grains is KEY! which is something the author of PH discusses. She also has a few great recipes published there, one of which I hope to try tomorrow (and the next day...since she really encourages soaking your grains).

It's so fun to have a couple mentors and really being able to strike a balance with what I really think I can implement here and now.

second batch done!

I ran out of my homemade laundry detergent a month or so ago. I bought some 7th Generation thinking it would be fine. But it's pretty harsh stuff. Abe's diaper rash (that I wrote about in a previous post) didn't go away until this week. And I had to put him in disposibles for 3 days while ALL of his diapers got sun-bleached after 5 hot rinses. So a new batch of our gentle detergent has been long over due. And I did it today! Whoop! Now I smell like Fels Naptha. But I feel like a good momma!

big ultrasound

I really am opposed to ultrasound. Many people think it causes undue harm to the baby. I am pretty sure there are just as many who say it's harmless. That's not why I don't like them.

When I got called back, I had the ultrasound, which was really cool. Then I went to see the doctor. Because I "had the ultrasound," I kid you not, she did not touch me. How do you get to know your patient if you don't touch them? There is something very worthwhile to be said for palpating and checking true fundal height and checking heart tones with a fetoscope. I got to know Abe better with the help of my midwives. I am getting to know Ike via a machine. ...I don't know, there is something a little eerie about that.

Anyway, everything came back totally fine. He looks good, his estimated weight was 3.13 on Thursday. He will be a bigger baby, but not as big as Abe...as long as I eat right between now and the birth. We shall see! I don't have a low-lying placenta, which is great -- much less of a chance for too much blood loss during labor. The placenta is anterior, which means that I will never feel him right at the front of my belly; he'll always kick around the edges and whatnot. Things are great!

We started our prenatal classes with Jennifer (my former midwife) and Mariah (my monitrice/doula for this birth). They're fabulous. Extremely informative. Birth plans were on the agenda, but we talked about a lot of other things, too. Amazing food.

Everything is looking up for this birth. You know, it's incredible how much there is to learn and KNOW about our bodies. I am not sure I still truly KNOW myself, though creating another life is extremely eye-opening. Food for thought: we are very reactionary as a general cultural norm, instead of preventitive. There are million things I could do better this pregnancy that I simply didn't do (and ended up with a less than agreeable outcome) with Abe. We are still hoping for our beautiful, vaginal, intervention-free birth experience. And here's to hoping!

addicted to my own opinion

It's true. Anyone who knows me at all knows that I have opinions. They are usually stark, often not gently delivered. It doesn't make me wrong, nor does it indicate mal intent on my part. I rarely, if ever, intend on hurting someone with what I feel. However, for someone to expect me to keep my opinions to myself, most especially when I view their circumstance as physically, emotionally, spiritually (or otherwise) detrimental, is really too much for me to handle, at least to date. Instead, I most always express my opinion.

I can think of at least 5 friends who can attest to this, more likely every single "friend" I have.

When Mark said that I am "addicted" to my opinion, I definitely took offense. Addiction implies psychological disorder. He stuck to the phrasiology until we hashed it out. Addiction. That particular word comes up a lot. There are a lot of men who have various addictions -- porn and video games are the most obvious, perhaps sports. And these addictions get in the way of healthy relationships with their significant others. We've noticed a trend with the ladies lately, too. They are emotionally addicted to things. I think the rave over the Twilight Saga demonstrates that.

It's fair to say that my opinions are attached to emotional things. A formula to a typical Amanda-esque conversation is, "If you don't want to feel this way, then do this to prevent it..." I don't generally find myself in conversations with men about their addiction to sports, but I do find myself in conversations about relationships ALL THE TIME.

As Mark and I talked about the definition of addiction, we noted that there is a link between addiction and vanity. It's pretty vain for a girl to obsess over a boy, as it is vain for a guy to waste time and energy beating a video game. But they do give us a false sense of satisfaction, however irrelevant that satisfaction may be. If we're not careful, the vanity becomes habitual and further addictive.

So am I addicted to my own opinion? If it can be stated that I am satisfied when my opinion is stated, then, yes, absolutely. I do not, however, state my opinion just to state it. It's actually kind of a reflex, a form of self-preservation. If I can find a solution to whatever your woe may be and I can tell you all about it, then you know where I stand and nobody HAS to get hurt. I find it way more satisfying to see the forest for the trees. Being confident that my Compass will guide me (and you, if you let Him) through it, I am fully willing to take it on (and so should you), chainsaw in hand if necessary (with you roaring alongside me).

However, not everyone wants to be "guided." I have a hard time not finding that slightly dysfunctional, and that is kind of where I stand right now. I am finding that most people just want to be left alone. Some people care to divulge and want opinion, but most don't care for it.

I used to actually think that if we shared opinions, we were on the same page. Unfortunately, I've had to find out the hard way that no matter how devout I may be to an opinion, even a doctrine, there are people who, though they love me, just will not rev up their chainsaws with me.

Not only can I be mad-crazy with a chainsaw, but many have called me a bull in a china shop. I think most would like to say that the decisions they make are for self-preservation, be it physical, emotional or spiritual. So my quest is to understand and respect more fully others' quest for self-preservation. They may perhaps like to go around the forest. Or only use the chainsaw some of the time. Or perhaps they dig a hole underneath. Mark always says that nothing stews in our house. If I see a problem, I always try to resolve it. There are few things we haven't addressed. I prefer the straight and narrow, the logical, the simple, especially when it comes to relationships. But as friend it is becoming more and more real to me that I have got to be empathetic others' path of choice. And not always speaking my mind when I see their path as being not so easy as the one I'm on. The question now is how to quench the burn to express my opinion.

pleased

I actually forgot that I blogged about our switch in maternity care. Sooo...I had my appointment in Fort Smith. Beautiful. Dr. Rainwater actually had 2 cesareans and 2 VBACs in that order. She was unsuccessfully induced for her first and ended up with a cesarean, then elected to have a cesarean with her second. Her third labor happened spontaneously (which in the natural birth world is what we hippies prefer ...since I am such a hippy, right?!), and she had no choice but to deliver vaginally. She loved that she was back at the gym in two weeks (instead of limping around the house for 6...which TOTALLY sucks, BTW). She elected to go into spontaneous labor for her fourth and was again successful with a vaginal delivery. Woot. So I get to find strength in her success, it's quite empowering, my friends, quite empowering.

I have an ultrasound scheduled for Tuesday, so I'll have to remember to update, lol.

In other Noticias de Baby Sandor Numero Dos, we have added someone FABULOUS to our birth team. Her name is Tonia, and she is an OB RN at Washington Regional. She is also working on becoming a doula. Obviously, she has all the credentials and class credit; her issue in becoming fully certified is that it's very difficult for her to attend births that she is not nurse for. ...not crossing legal lines has been tricky. Our birth will be one that she will be able to attend as a doula, since we are not planning on delivering at WRMC.

Our plan as of right now is to head down to Fort Smith as soon as I have signs of labor (these were kind of sketchy 5 hours before active labor started with Abe, so we'll count on the idea that things will roll like they did with him and head down as soon as I suspect contractions at all). We'll labor in a hotel until I am between a 7 and a 10, depending on how I progress. Great news: I was only in active labor for 6 hours before things got bad with Abe, so I could hypothetically have a VERY short labor. We shall see. If the birth happens to move so quickly and I have him in the hotel, I have Mariah (who is a doula of 5 years and an apprentice midwife) AND Tonia there to take care of us. Good stuff. I still have all the stuff we didn't need from my homebirth "delivery package," so we'll just beef it up a bit and be ready to deliver there if that's what happens to happen.

All I can say is that I am so empowered and so inspired. God is good and has given us so much to look forward to -- good prenatal care and the promise of a healthy labor and delivery environment.

switch

We are 27 weeks pregnant today. I can't believe how quickly the looming 3rd trimester is coming upon us. Incredible.

At my last prenatal appointment, I asked the doc a few poignant questions, like "what are the indications that a uteran rupture (this is the "risk" that makes VBAC high risk) is about to occur?" I was also asking him about policies and procedures, so we could be as aware of what to expect as we needed to be. Either he didn't know or he didn't want to break the news to me. He asked me to call the lead OB nurse. So I did. She told me that uteran rupture can be detected by blood in the urine. ...since blood in the abdominal cavity makes its way through the bladder walls? Every person I've talked to who has a clue about human anatomy says that what she calls an "indicator" is definitely not.

So a catheter was one of 5 expected interventions I could expect upon arrival at the hospital. I could also expect an IV (standard) constant external fetal montinoring (also standard), she recommended (though, as with anything they say anyone needs, I could refuse) an epidural, and if they couldn't "keep track" of the baby's heart tones, I'd need an internal fetal monitor (which means breaking my water, if it's not already broken) and inserting a wire into his head.

We decided it'd be best for our family to get our care elsewhere. So, at the recommendation of the co-leader of ICAN (International Cesarean Awareness Network) of NWA, I called up Eastside clinic in Fort Smith and got a hold of Dr. Rainwater who does rounds at St. Edwards. Though I am past the usual date they'd accept transfers, she took me on. And I am so thankful. We have our first prenatal there and the glucose test early Thursday morning.

It still boggles my mind that people are convinced that there has to be so many interruptions in what should be a perfectly natural physiological process. If I am willing to go through labor, shouldn't I allowed to do it the way I want to?

motherhood follow up

I hope I wasn't whiney or preachy in my "motherhood" post. Probably was, though... Some things you just have to take the reigns on and move with. During the Spring Holy Days (Passover and the Days of Unleavened Bread, for those who aren't familiar), I was SO stinkin' busy. Each year, I make a few unleavened recips. Some are becoming staples in our home (Jewish Almond Bread, magnificent), but I usually do new ones. In the past, I have had to beef up the supply (you wouldn't believe how many things have leavening until you're not allowed to have it...tortillas, pita, bread, cereal...kind of those staple items, right) with store-bought UB. That's fine, but I have always intended to do more of it on my own. This year I did -- all of it. I didn't buy any of our unleavened bread. And we had guests, and we travelled on the last Holy Day, etc. I was scurrying around for about 2 weeks, just crazy.

It made me realize that I have the time to INTENSE amounts of baking. If not baking, then I have time to do other things, like earth moving, including rearranging my compost (which I can't wait to get started on).

Now, that being said, my sacrum is feeling the pressure. For those who don't know, I have a tilted sacrum. It's pretty common, and mine is due to a slight scoliosis. So I have been on my feet for most of the day for the past 3 weeks, and my toes start going numb. I finally make it to my chiropractor and I tell her about my very poignant and rough lower back (like behind my gluteus) pain and my numb toes. "Oh, that's not good," she says. GREAT. It's the fault of the big nerve (the name escapes me) being pinched and the tilted sacrum. A change in lifestyle (literally, how I am living my life, spending my time) is effecting my body. And it feels good. Of course, as soon as I left the chiropractor and got back to the grind, I was in pain again. I talked to my midwife and she (in all her hippy coolness and a skirt), shows me a couple quick yoga poses that will take pressure off the sacrum and relieve the nerves...in a room full of people, she's insane.

I recently heard someone make a reference to Heidi Clume (sp?). She's a super model and has quite a few kids, if I understand it correctly. She's been asked repeatedly how she gets back on the runway so quickly after pregnancy, and she claims that if you live healthfully all the time, a woman's body will whip back into shape. I am not a runner, I am not gym kind of girl, but I am beginning to believe that being on your feet, using your brain and working with dirt (be it flower gardening or earth moving) is insanely healthy. I think Isaiah thinks so, too, and I really do have to work for him and our healthy L&D.

I have invested in the earth moving business

Kind of. We bought our house last June. We love it, though it has revealed many of its inherent flaws. For example, last Fall we started getting mildew along the baseboards in a couple rooms in the house. We couldn't control the condensation on the windows. And the bathroom has no venthilation. We found ourselves with a major moisture problem. We can't afford (yet) to have insulation installed (no, the walls are not insulated...who does that?!). So I occasionally have to bleach the baseboards. I hate using bleach, but it kills the mildew lickity split. We got a dehumidifier, and it's right outside the bathroom. We had it off most of the winter, but now that it's getting a bit more humid out, it's definitely helping to fight off some of the moisture.

Another thing our 60 year old charmer (IMHO) has is dirt piles. I have no earthly idea why, but there are 3 along the back fence. So today I got out there and started hacking away at one. I probably moved 10 wheel barrows full. It was awesome. We are hoping to assemble a patio kind of in the middle of the back yard. Since the drainage is bad, the yard gets really soppy after a rain. I used the dirt from the mound to heighten the area where the patio will go. I've got big hopes! It will be about 10 feet wide by 8 feet deep. Can't wait to see if it happens.

This yard, though, is HUGE. We were standing and the rear end of it...though not all the way to the fence and property line, and the boys will EASILY be able to throw a football (without endangering my windows). AND there's enough room to put in a volleyball net that will not get in the way of the clothesline, the garden or the patio. Awesome, awesome, awesome.

motherhood

I have been a housewife and mother for 16 months now. The transition from being a woman of the workforce to a maker of the home has been very much an adjustment. I have found it most challenging to answer 'How does one balance work and play, leisure and productivity, and how are the lines between extremes defined?'

When Abe was born and I found that I was not finding as much external reward as I craved, thrived on hitherto his arrival. The birth was a train wreck. Breastfeeding was a train wreck. Sleep became my purpose, my goal, the thing I was going to do and be good at. He was a total champ until I found out that kids really should be 2 hour nappers. "WHAT?" I thought. Impossible. Abe didn't nap well AT ALL, according to the books. By two months he was sleeping for approximately seven hour stretches at night, but naps were a different story. It's just now, 16 months into this, that I have a handle on his sleep schedule. He's taking one nap sometime in the afternoon, between 11 and 1. And he sleeps for between 1 1/2 and 2 hours.

Part of what I bought into was that I wanted/needed to be productive, to have specific times during the day when I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would get "something" done. If he's not asleep, he is my constant distraction. I don't drop off my sweet Constant Distraction at daycare, so I can get things done. So where is my reward? I want my reward.

He is my reward. My home, my safe haven, my family is my reward. Call me crazy, but it's more reward than anything else will ever offer. I have things I want to learn. I want to learn how to bake artisan bread and have a simple garden and how to use my plot of God's green earth to make my family physically healthier. But with my Constant Distraction? Not so easy.

To give an idea of why I say these endeavors might be tough to fish out right now, let me outline my day:

I wake at 5:45, Bible study & shower by 6:20 when the babe usually wakes, get Mark to school by 7, home by 7:15, feed myself and the babe, prayers done by 9. Then we have this window. Until 11:30, Abe is fine. (I am liking the idea of a 1 pm naptime more and more, but he can get super-cranky or just fall asleep before then, and I'll put him down accordingly.) Let's say he sleeps til 2. Then we have another 1 1/2 hour window where time is ours. Pick Mark up at 3:30, sometimes 4 or 4:30 (really, everyday varies). Once Mark is home, the day is no longer mine. Meals (preparation and serving), family time and bedtime routines take up the rest of our evening.

So I have a whopping 2.5 hours in the AM and 1.5 hours in the PM to do "something." If you've never had a toddler, I beg you to picture what your best and worst images are of a toddler and imagine trying to use those hours to do "something." Remeber, keep those images, that constant distraction, at the FOREFRONT of your mind. I feel like my hands are tied most days. I can go shopping. I can clean my kitchen (not all moms can claim that they are able to do even that). I can watch a movie. I can even rake the yard. But my eyes can never be off of him. What can I do that is really productive?

Having said all that, I am okay with my hands being tied. HALLELUJAH!!! I have a baby. We have a family. I am Mother. Rock on, right?

I want to move on to the bigger issue. Why is Motherhood held is such disdain? Why are mothers who want to really raise their children constantly FIGHTING? I don't care if you are fighting (literally or figuratively) your husband, your peers, your mentors, your pocketbook or your conscious. I feel like I have to fight for my right to be here, to do what this family needs. Call me crazy, but I don't think strength in families comes from money, whether you "have to" work for it or not, and that is all my staying in the workforce would have done -- brought in a little bit more money. Most Americans (especially) believe that both mother and dad have to work. And I don't buy it.

I am going to venture a little and say that when mothers are taken out of the home, there is a breakdown in family; family, the bedrock of society, is broken. The breakdown of the family is a topic that really scares me because I think it happens under our noses. If the issue of Motherhood being held in disdain is a byproduct of that breakdown, I want to fight it. I consider it my personal obligation to strengthen my family, to make society stronger.

I will ever be on a quest to figure out how to spend those concrete-4 hours in my day. And how to be productive during nap times. But I will do it here, at home, where my strength is useful and has long-term, grand effect.

ants

I am trying really hard to live as simply and naturally as we possibly can. We are still switching to white vinegar and washing soda for all our cleaning (from conventional cleaners). But we now have an ant problem. It's so tempting to just call Rid-A-Pest or go to Lowe's and buy some Terro. But I am going to try to stick to my guns. It's getting pretty ridiculous. Today we killed about 5 that were just crawling on the couch. Mind you, ants really are pretty harmless. I am sure they carry germs, but it's not like we're dealing with ROACHES. Or SPIDERS. Or CENTIPEDES. Like we have in the past. These are just your garden variety black ants, no biting.

It's really encouraging what you can find my simply doing searches for "natural remedy ..." and enter whatever you're struggling with. From fevers to pests, I've found lots of really fun and simple cures to typical issues, like ants.

You won't be able to guess what one of the first suggestions is to get rid of ants! (drum roll, please!) ...VINEGAR. I love it. That stuff is amazing. When I read that, I recalled that last week when I noticed the ants coming in (through our windows, which are original to our 1961 home), I sprayed with vinegar, but haven't seen them since. That stuff is amazing.

There are quite a few other suggestions for "natural" remedies, but a lot of it, I don't want the babe getting into -- Borax, cayenne pepper. Most of the entryways of the the little buggers are likely along our windows and doorways. The other thing that I read that sounds pretty doable for us is cloves. So I'll spray the (nontoxic!) vinegar and spread some whole cloves around.

We'll see how this goes.

croutons

When Abe was born, I started making my own bread because 'I could.' I had the time (it takes about 3 hours all together) and store-bought bread really isn't nutritious at all. Well, a year in to consistent homemade bread, I am hooked. We occasionally have to have store-bought bread (church pot-lucks or when we visit friends or family), but I am always super-motivated to come home and bake a couple of my own loaves afterward.

I've found that I really do prefer "better" flour. I can use the flour they generally sell at WalMart or your neighborhood grocer, but the more expensive the flour, the better the flavor. (Go figure, right!)

The newest thing is using the bumps/end crusts to make croutons. If you acccidentally cut a piece of bread short, toss it in the "crouton" bag and cut it up when you're ready for a new batch. It's really simple, and you can do it with whatever ends you have, even if they are store-bought [BLASPHEMY!]. Four ends, two to three tablespoons of melted butter, and your spice of choice (or as many spices as you prefer). So for salads (unless it's a sweet salad), I'll do garlic. For sweet salads AND snacks for Abe, I'll do cinnamon, nutmeg, and honey.

Yay! for new discoveries, simplicity and recycling!

snuggles

Motherhood is amazing, I will just say that. Tonight Mark had a tutoring client he had to meet up with, so Abe and I did his bedtime routine alone. It's a lot more work when you're doing it alone. For all you single moms or army moms or moms with second or third shift dads, kudos to you, seriously.

It went smoothly. We've done it often enough that we've got the hang of it -- checked for poopy diapers waiting to be rinsed and rung, put all the toys away, cleared out the crib, made sure the towel was in the bathroom (and not on the drying rack) before he got into the bathtub, got the PJs, diaper, and sleep sack ready. You know, routine.

Mark usually reads him to sleep -- Dr. Seuss, nursery rhymes, a Bible story, then some huge work -- Lord of the Rings, Chronicles of Narnia, Shakespeare...whatever he is in the mood for. As soon as mark opens the 'huge work' Abe is usually out. But with me it's different. He doesn't calm down quite the same. That is what happens when you break someone's routine. Tonight he just wasn't into my story-reading. So I turned the side light off and he nuzzled into the crook of my neck. That is how he fell asleep. It doesn't happen often anymore, his sleep is his and ours is ours. But, let me tell you, when it does happen, it makes me cry! it feels so good.

The glare of the kitchen light tonight, reminded me of the many many nights we kept our closet light on and the door cracked for when he woke up. And he did so inevitably for the first two months and then from four to eight months at least once a night. And each time he woke, he went back to sleep in the crook of my neck. Eight months...it's been almost double that that he hasn't needed me at night -- he'll be sixteen months a week from tomorrow. Bittersweet. I love my sleep, but I also love my baby boy.

dance?

This morning Abe I went to a prenatal dance class. It was conducted by my midwife, Jennifer Creel. It wasn't intense, but it definitely got my heart rate up. The class was simple, just small dance moves, very cardio. There was one other mom with a 6 month old baby boy. I loved it.

We stayed for over an hour just talking. She is great to process with. We talked about everything -- my life, pregnancy, her life and new endeavors. She swam 2.6 miles on open water in 1:15 and placed 4th. Amazing. We also talked simple yoga, walking, and must-dos to avoid another posterior, brow-presentation baby. It's all about strengthening the inner muscles. 100 keagles and 200 pelvic crunches. Insane. But doable and if it pays off, totally worth it. She wore her Vive Vide VBAC (or however the saying starts...) in honor of my presence. So awesome. I just love her.

Every Monday at Bak Stage Dance Studio, Mission & Crossover in Fayetteville. $12/class or 12 classes for $80. Nice.

spring HDs

So I am on a total roll. I definitely have strides where blogging is good for the soul. It's good for this soul of late it seems.

Well, the Spring Holy Days are fast-approaching. Five weeks before Passover. I can't believe it's almost here already. Every year, we are supposed to examine ourselves -- 2Cor 13:5 reads, "Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you--unless, of course, you fail the test?" And 1Cor 11:28 says, "A man ought to examine himself before he eats of the bread and drinks of the cup." And there are tons of ways you can do it, many have been talked about in recent sermons from HQ and our local leaders' speeches. Among them: read through 1Corinthians and identify Spring Holy Day references. (I have never counted how many times Paul says, "leaven," but it is many!) Analyze the Sermon on the Mount and the Beattitudes and the armor of God in Ephesians 6.

I've decided to read through 4 chapters of 1Corinthians a day, take notes (like I am actually studying it...), and look for those Spring HD references. One I came upon yesterday is in chapter 3:14-15 -- If anyone's work which he has built on it endures, he will receive a reward. If anyone's work is burned, he will suffer loss; but he himself will be saved, yet so as through fire.

Paul is talking to Christians, and the reference seems to be making it to the Kingdom. What's scary is that, despite one's declaration of being a Christian, his work, the elbow grease he puts into his life will determine the shape he's in when he gets there. I don't know about you, but I don't want to be dealing with 3rd & 4th degree burns when Jesus Christ returns. I'd much rather be ready to hit the ground running. I mean, really, let's get to work, people!

But if I honestly take a look at the quality of my spiritual life, how well I communicate with God and He does so with me through study, my material is probably not gold, silver and precious stone. It's more like wood or hay or straw, though I'd like to think it's more like earthen clay...somewhere in the middle. I say I am in the middle, riding the fence perhaps? Oh, that's even worse! Am I truly admitting that I am Laodecian? Ay.

I don't have the composure to divulge further. I can, however, be truly ready and willing to continue to find time to dig deep and take a good look in the mirror. The promise really is perfection, and that only when Jesus Christ takes His stand upon His return. I say, bring it.

support

I don't have to reitterate the insanity of the first days of Abe's air-breathing life. We ended up with an unplanned cesarean delivery and a wretched BFing experience. However, it has all been worth it. Our planned homebirth brought us so much peace -- my midwife was so incredible. When there were things that came up that could have led to an early C-section, she found a way to wait for my body's interpretation of the right time for labor. There was a lot of processing I had to do; I felt totally defeated after fighting for nine months to avoid the threat of a cesarean. (Society's pressure to have a hospital birth is so strong. Society doesn't tell you that the national average for surgery during labor is extremely dangerous, but birth isn't "extremely" dangerous at all. If anything, it's beautiful and empowering!)

So this time around, we have chosen to have a hospital delivery. Licensed midwives in the state of Arkansas cannot deliver VBAC (though they can in most states where homebirth midwifery is legal). I could go with an unlicensed midwife, but I have anxiety there. So we're going to have a monitrice -- a midwife who doesn't do prenatals, but is your birth coach and is there for as much of the labor as you want and need her there. The joy is that she is apprenticing with my midwife from Abe's birth. They have very similar philosophies and approaches to birth. She is excited to labor with us at home until I am ready for the hospital. This means that I get to build momentum where I am most comfortable, then go to the hospital (with a team I am really happy to work with, may I mention!) when I am far along enough to make it. If my labor is so fast that I don't make it to the hospital, I have this amazing woman there to guarantee safety! What more could I ask for?

While I really had to work through the disappointment of a cesarean delivery with Abe, I get to celebrate Baby Two's entry into this world with a wonderful team of people, including my supportive husband, monitrice and a doctor who cherishes healthy, mother and family friendly birth. Three hurrahs!!!

diaper rash

For 15, almost 16, months Abraham has had ABSOLUTELY no diaper rash. I commend the cotton for it; cloth diapers really are amazing, especially at helping moms prevent painful diaper rash. Well, those bragging rights are over for us. This weekend, we took a trip to Fort Smith. Abe's bedtime is 7, and we left about 5:30, so we figured he'd be out in the car and then go straight to bed. We were right about the first half. In anticipation, I doubled his prefold (which is what I do every night...). Apparently, he pooed at sometime in the night, probably right when we left Fort Smith and before he fell asleep. So we get home, he wakes up when the garage door light comes on, totally awake and aware. So we completely avoid the night time routine and just put his PJs on. Mark reads to him and he falls asleep within about 20 minutes, longer than normal, but that's to be expected with his hour long nap on the ride home. In the AM, poor guy is ANGRY. I figured it was teeth. Afterall, he is cutting 6 at present. After about a 1/2 hour of whining, I decide to change his diaper (the normal fiasco ensues). But when we're all done, he is our happy baby. Unfortunately, the discovery of the 13 hour old poo is made in the meantime. With the poo is the rash. And it's bad. His skin is chaffed and raw. I googled, "natural remedies diaper rash." First suggestion: Bag Balm. SWEET action. I have a whole container stowed from when I first started BFing. So between Bag Balm and airy cotton, I hope my boy heals soon. It is absolutely heart-breaking to see his hiney in what has to be so much pain.

So suggestion to moms -- invest in some prefolds (for times like these, what they have at Walmart will do), a Snappy, and some Bag Balm. Let that rash air out. I still haven't found the gumption to let him run around naked. Maybe I will later today!

homemade dishwasher detergent

We spend about $10/month on dishwasher detergent. Two thoughts: I don't have to use the dishwasher everyday and homemade dishwasher detergent is SO much cheaper. Here's the recipe:

two cups washing soda
two cups borax
one tablespoon of citric acid (or lemon juice powder)

VIOLA! The beauty: that recipe will last you a month, easy and it costs about $2. The best part of being home with my little man is that I get to enjoy his sweet life, yes. Second best is these fun discoveries. It's green, it's easy and it's so much cheaper than conventional detergent!

white vinegar

I am not sure I have yet expressed the utter joy it gives me to use white vinegar. It's strong, but boys and girls, it cleans. I am using up the last of all my conventional bathroom cleaners, kitchen cleaners, bleach and whatnot, to be replaced with the one, the only WHITE VINEGAR. This stuff is amazing. Between it and washing soda, my domestic life has taken a turn for the better!

simplifying

Life has been challenging me to find balance. Is that not always the challenge? Perhaps for those who are not so insane, your balance just comes to you. That is not so with me. I have to work hard to find it, and then when I do find it, I have to check and recheck that I have indeed found it.

Since we're pregnant again, my diet has become the thing nagging at the back of my mind. When we met with our midwives frequently, they were sure to enquire about our eating habits. Since we aren't using a midwife this time (not by choice, but because we are attempting a VBAC and don't want to use an unlicensed midwife. (State regulations and rules about midwifery might be a viable option for a later post.)), I haven't been as diligent about making wise food choices. I say we don't have a midwife, but we do have the "spirit" of one. We are going to use a sweet friend named Mariah White to act as our monitrice/birthcoach/doula. She is currently apprenticing with the midwife from Abe's birth, Jennifer Creel, and will be a full-on licensed midwife in about 6 months (I think). While I find it hard to hold myself accountable (lame, I know, but I love a cherry vanilla coke from Sonic, McDonalds french fries and various other forms of junk), Mariah asks about my eating habits.

She joined me for my prenatal (19 weeks) last week and gave me a few great suggestions. The simplest was to buy a bag of frozen fruit...make it fun. Sam's has massive bags, as does WalMart, of strawberries, peaches, pineapple and mango. She also suggested, making and eating my own granola. After Abe was born, I LOVED making my own granola. But have since gotten lazy. It tastes so much better than anything store bought, and I can put blackstrap molasses in it to help boost my iron. This week we are implementing those two things. Once things become habits, I find it so much easier to be the person I intend to be, to find that ever-sought-after balance I need.