It's true. Anyone who knows me at all knows that I have opinions. They are usually stark, often not gently delivered. It doesn't make me wrong, nor does it indicate mal intent on my part. I rarely, if ever, intend on hurting someone with what I feel. However, for someone to expect me to keep my opinions to myself, most especially when I view their circumstance as physically, emotionally, spiritually (or otherwise) detrimental, is really too much for me to handle, at least to date. Instead, I most always express my opinion.
I can think of at least 5 friends who can attest to this, more likely every single "friend" I have.
When Mark said that I am "addicted" to my opinion, I definitely took offense. Addiction implies psychological disorder. He stuck to the phrasiology until we hashed it out. Addiction. That particular word comes up a lot. There are a lot of men who have various addictions -- porn and video games are the most obvious, perhaps sports. And these addictions get in the way of healthy relationships with their significant others. We've noticed a trend with the ladies lately, too. They are emotionally addicted to things. I think the rave over the Twilight Saga demonstrates that.
It's fair to say that my opinions are attached to emotional things. A formula to a typical Amanda-esque conversation is, "If you don't want to feel this way, then do this to prevent it..." I don't generally find myself in conversations with men about their addiction to sports, but I do find myself in conversations about relationships ALL THE TIME.
As Mark and I talked about the definition of addiction, we noted that there is a link between addiction and vanity. It's pretty vain for a girl to obsess over a boy, as it is vain for a guy to waste time and energy beating a video game. But they do give us a false sense of satisfaction, however irrelevant that satisfaction may be. If we're not careful, the vanity becomes habitual and further addictive.
So am I addicted to my own opinion? If it can be stated that I am satisfied when my opinion is stated, then, yes, absolutely. I do not, however, state my opinion just to state it. It's actually kind of a reflex, a form of self-preservation. If I can find a solution to whatever your woe may be and I can tell you all about it, then you know where I stand and nobody HAS to get hurt. I find it way more satisfying to see the forest for the trees. Being confident that my Compass will guide me (and you, if you let Him) through it, I am fully willing to take it on (and so should you), chainsaw in hand if necessary (with you roaring alongside me).
However, not everyone wants to be "guided." I have a hard time not finding that slightly dysfunctional, and that is kind of where I stand right now. I am finding that most people just want to be left alone. Some people care to divulge and want opinion, but most don't care for it.
I used to actually think that if we shared opinions, we were on the same page. Unfortunately, I've had to find out the hard way that no matter how devout I may be to an opinion, even a doctrine, there are people who, though they love me, just will not rev up their chainsaws with me.
Not only can I be mad-crazy with a chainsaw, but many have called me a bull in a china shop. I think most would like to say that the decisions they make are for self-preservation, be it physical, emotional or spiritual. So my quest is to understand and respect more fully others' quest for self-preservation. They may perhaps like to go around the forest. Or only use the chainsaw some of the time. Or perhaps they dig a hole underneath. Mark always says that nothing stews in our house. If I see a problem, I always try to resolve it. There are few things we haven't addressed. I prefer the straight and narrow, the logical, the simple, especially when it comes to relationships. But as friend it is becoming more and more real to me that I have got to be empathetic others' path of choice. And not always speaking my mind when I see their path as being not so easy as the one I'm on. The question now is how to quench the burn to express my opinion.
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3 comments:
It reminds me of the philosophy (I think from Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus) that women don't always want their problems solved. They tell their man what they're dealing with, and they're just looking for an empathetic ear. But men are problem-solvers, and tend to react with, "Well if you don't want to deal with that, you should do x, y, z..." That makes the woman take offense because she wasn't looking to have her problems solved. If she wants a solution, she would ask for it. But unless otherwise informed, she just wants someone to listen.
It is very difficult for some people to recognize that there are many paths that can lead to the same goal. While an individual may see one path as THE path, as the right path, the other paths still reach the same goal. Learning to respect that what we see as the right path may not be the right path for everyone is an important part of maturation.
I'm a VERY opinionated person. I always have been. I have strong opinions, and it takes a lot (usually a knock on the head by God) to get me to change my opinion. As people of strong opinion, we need to learned to respect other peoples' opinions without feeling like we have to force our opinions on them. We need to learn when to share our opinions and when to remain silent (Prov. 26:4-5). Most of all, we need to learn that, even when it is important for us to speak up, we must always be "speaking the truth in love" (Eph. 4:15).
So how do you "quench the burn to express my opinion"? Like everything else that needs to be changed to be more like Christ - through prayer, Bible study, meditation and fasting.
Ha, so I am masculine in my approach to friendships, perhaps? It's so hard to differentiate sometimes between what could and should be said. Empathy is key, I think. Sometimes, I don't care to empathize. It's hardest when you know that someone else's decision and further, perhaps future, circumstance could be wholly prevented from being so bleak.
And, Terri, you are right...the more balanced I am in my relationship with God, the easier and more readily simplified my relationships with others become.
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