motherhood

I have been a housewife and mother for 16 months now. The transition from being a woman of the workforce to a maker of the home has been very much an adjustment. I have found it most challenging to answer 'How does one balance work and play, leisure and productivity, and how are the lines between extremes defined?'

When Abe was born and I found that I was not finding as much external reward as I craved, thrived on hitherto his arrival. The birth was a train wreck. Breastfeeding was a train wreck. Sleep became my purpose, my goal, the thing I was going to do and be good at. He was a total champ until I found out that kids really should be 2 hour nappers. "WHAT?" I thought. Impossible. Abe didn't nap well AT ALL, according to the books. By two months he was sleeping for approximately seven hour stretches at night, but naps were a different story. It's just now, 16 months into this, that I have a handle on his sleep schedule. He's taking one nap sometime in the afternoon, between 11 and 1. And he sleeps for between 1 1/2 and 2 hours.

Part of what I bought into was that I wanted/needed to be productive, to have specific times during the day when I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would get "something" done. If he's not asleep, he is my constant distraction. I don't drop off my sweet Constant Distraction at daycare, so I can get things done. So where is my reward? I want my reward.

He is my reward. My home, my safe haven, my family is my reward. Call me crazy, but it's more reward than anything else will ever offer. I have things I want to learn. I want to learn how to bake artisan bread and have a simple garden and how to use my plot of God's green earth to make my family physically healthier. But with my Constant Distraction? Not so easy.

To give an idea of why I say these endeavors might be tough to fish out right now, let me outline my day:

I wake at 5:45, Bible study & shower by 6:20 when the babe usually wakes, get Mark to school by 7, home by 7:15, feed myself and the babe, prayers done by 9. Then we have this window. Until 11:30, Abe is fine. (I am liking the idea of a 1 pm naptime more and more, but he can get super-cranky or just fall asleep before then, and I'll put him down accordingly.) Let's say he sleeps til 2. Then we have another 1 1/2 hour window where time is ours. Pick Mark up at 3:30, sometimes 4 or 4:30 (really, everyday varies). Once Mark is home, the day is no longer mine. Meals (preparation and serving), family time and bedtime routines take up the rest of our evening.

So I have a whopping 2.5 hours in the AM and 1.5 hours in the PM to do "something." If you've never had a toddler, I beg you to picture what your best and worst images are of a toddler and imagine trying to use those hours to do "something." Remeber, keep those images, that constant distraction, at the FOREFRONT of your mind. I feel like my hands are tied most days. I can go shopping. I can clean my kitchen (not all moms can claim that they are able to do even that). I can watch a movie. I can even rake the yard. But my eyes can never be off of him. What can I do that is really productive?

Having said all that, I am okay with my hands being tied. HALLELUJAH!!! I have a baby. We have a family. I am Mother. Rock on, right?

I want to move on to the bigger issue. Why is Motherhood held is such disdain? Why are mothers who want to really raise their children constantly FIGHTING? I don't care if you are fighting (literally or figuratively) your husband, your peers, your mentors, your pocketbook or your conscious. I feel like I have to fight for my right to be here, to do what this family needs. Call me crazy, but I don't think strength in families comes from money, whether you "have to" work for it or not, and that is all my staying in the workforce would have done -- brought in a little bit more money. Most Americans (especially) believe that both mother and dad have to work. And I don't buy it.

I am going to venture a little and say that when mothers are taken out of the home, there is a breakdown in family; family, the bedrock of society, is broken. The breakdown of the family is a topic that really scares me because I think it happens under our noses. If the issue of Motherhood being held in disdain is a byproduct of that breakdown, I want to fight it. I consider it my personal obligation to strengthen my family, to make society stronger.

I will ever be on a quest to figure out how to spend those concrete-4 hours in my day. And how to be productive during nap times. But I will do it here, at home, where my strength is useful and has long-term, grand effect.